Music & Lyrics - Jessica Smucker

How to Dream (single)

Jessica Smucker (2024)

How to dream

This has been the worst day of my love for you,
I’m bitten blue and waiting for the moon to rise
No one’s walking out the door, but we’ve never been here before
just holding up the silence

Sometimes the words you say don’t come out the way you mean
I haven’t slept for so long that I forgot how to dream
Will you still be with me?

Oh, this mess we’re living in
and I stayed out too late again.
But, so what? You were sleeping.
We tried to talk when I got home.
It didn’t work, so I lay in bed alone
and watched the ceiling.

Sometimes the words you say don’t come out the way you mean.
I haven’t slept for so long that I forgot how to dream.
Will you still be with me?

Come on, love, get out of bed,
Let’s watch the moon go ‘round again.
Remember when I said I’d never leave you.
I’m sorry I’m no fairy tale, I’ll never be your holy grail,
the stories that your mama used to read you.

Sometimes the words I say don’t come out the way I mean.
Have I been asleep for so long that all I do is dream?
Will you still be with me?
Will you still be with me?

Credits

Written by Jessica Smucker, copyright 2022

Produced by Peter Rydberg & Jessica Smucker
Recorded and mixed by Peter Rydberg at Studio 1935
Mastered by Matt Ramer at Digilog Sound

Jessica Smucker: vocals
Mike Bitts: bass
Steve Brown: drums
Peter Rydberg: piano, organ, Chamberlin, autoharp, electric & acoustic guitars

Special thanks: Chad Kinsey, Paul Murr

The Beautiful (single)

Jessica Smucker (2024)

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The Beautiful

Here comes that helpless feeling again
This is how it goes when power festers in the minds of dusty men
You forced your beat into my womb
You left my child in a barricaded room
with your revolving lies
Sometimes I think I want to die
But I’m alive
The wind still blows
The sky is a mess of clouds
and this land won’t let me go

There’s no way out but through
so I put you on like a ruby shoe
There’s no place like home to turn me blue
I am stronger than the night
I’m sharp as a broken arrow
and soft as dawn’s early light

Hey, can you see what you’ve done?
You’re flying too close to the sun
with all the world in tow
Holding our breath as you puff up your waxen wings
and what can I do but fall into the fog
and let the weight of everything press in?
But I’m alright
The moon’s still bright
The sky is a swarm of shadows pressing on in flight

Credits

Produced by Jessica Smucker & Peter Rydberg
Recorded, mixed & mastered by Peter Rydberg at Studio 1935

Jessica Smucker: piano, vocals
Mike Bitts: bass
Steve Brown: drums
Peter Rydberg: acoustic guitars, mandolin, piano, vibraphone, string arrangement & programming

Special thanks: Chad Kinsey, Matt Ramer, Paul Murr, Trixi Greiner, Nathan Landis Funk

War of Attrition (single)

Jessica Smucker (2022)

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War of Attrition

I don’t have a face and I don’t have a name
You walk all over every space I claim
Play me like a banjo, break me like a string
Make so much noise that I forget the song
I was trying to sing

What else do I have to do but love you?
What more could I want to do but love you?

I tried to hold back a little something for myself
I tried to hold the line, to stand my ground
but you always wear me down
You wear me down
You wear me down down down

I’m your favorite person
I’m the one you miss
whenever I go out of sight and yet
somehow I don’t exist
Play me like a Lego, build me up a wall
then throw a fit and knock me over
yeah, I was made to fall

What else do I have to do but love you?
What more could I want to do but love you?

I tried to hold back a little something for myself
I tried to hold the line, to stand my ground
but you always wear me down
You wear me down
You wear me down down down

I’m a waning crescent
I’m the thinnest shape
the moon takes on before it slides away

Rockabye baby
Rockabye baby

I tried to hold back a little something for myself
I tried to hold the line, to stand my ground
but you always wear me down
You wear me down
You wear me down

Credits

Produced and recorded by Chad Kinsey
Mixed by Peter Rydberg at 1935 Studio
Mastered by Philip Shaw Bova

Jessica Smucker: vocals
Trixi Greiner: piano, synths
Mike Bitts: bass
Paul Murr: drums
Chad Kinsey: guitars
Matt Thomas: organ

Lyric video animation by Haley Monson

Phoenix (single)

Jessica Smucker (2022)

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Phoenix

You have a fire in your belly
that lit you up in Tennessee
where you were taking names and stoking flames
and learning how to break your spirit free

Bright and brazen bird
Your journey has begun
You turn your body west to face the sun

Now your breasts have turned to shadows
There’s radiation in your spine
And this is your terrain, you cut the pain, you face the day,
there’s more to life than dying

Oh, fighting bird
You’re cocked up like a gun
You turn your body west to face the sun

So you rise up in your power
and you find a way to fly
all the way to Arizona
where the feather-crested fires go to die

Bright and broken bird
a plume of oxygen
you turn your body west to face the sun

Credits

Written by Jessica Smucker, copyright 2019
Produced and recorded by Chad Kinsey
Mixed by Peter Rydberg at Studio 1935
Mastered by Dan Coutant at Sun Room Audio

Matt Thomas: piano, synths, orchestrations
Paul Murr: drums and percussion
Mike Bitts: bass
Chad Kinsey: guitars

Lyric video animation by Haley Monson

Stones to Throw (single)

Jessica Smucker (2022)

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Stones to Throw

Love is like the moon today
Bumpy, bright, and far away
I see you there, but I still feel alone.
You’re up there watching over me
But I need you down here with me
So let the sky grow dark, and take me home.

When you turn away, I feel the blow.
Is there a piece of me that you don’t want to know?
I can’t decide which stones to throw,
when to fight and when it’s time for letting go.

Overgrown with brush and weeds
I’m losing you to entropy
Dishes piled high, and I can’t find your eyes.
If you’re waiting ‘til the house is clean
To hold my hands and look at me
Then we might just as well let our love die.

When you turn away, I feel the blow.
Is there a piece of me that you don’t want to know?
I can’t decide which stones to throw,
when to fight and when it’s time for letting go.

Time heals every hurt, they say,
But there’s no time for us today.
We’ve got kids to mind and bills to pay.
I’m gonna sing the kids a lullaby,
Pour myself a glass of wine
And wait for you to meet me in the moonshine.

Don’t turn away. I need you to know
There’s a piece of me that I’m afraid to show.
My hands are tied. No stones to throw.
Am I fighting you or am I letting go?

Credits

Written by Jessica Smucker, copyright 2019
Produced & recorded by Chad Kinsey
Mixed by Peter Rydberg at Studio 1935
Mastered by Dan Coutant at Sun Room Audio

Trixi Greiner: piano
Mike Bitts: bass
Paul Murr: drums
Steve Sauer: organ
Todd Fulginiti: trumpet

Lyric video animation by Haley Monson

Special thanks: Matt Thomas, Stefan Wenger, Chad Parmenter

Rose of Jericho (single)

Jessica Smucker (2021)

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Rose of Jericho

Darkest desert night
when the moon looms large and the sky burns red
Still my beating heart
All my colors fade and I’m left for dead

If you see me curling between the rains
like a fist clenched tightly around the pain
I can wait like this for a thousand days
I will spring to life when you call my name
I’m a rose of Jericho

Do you see me here
like a withered branch, like a widowed bride?
Do you understand
how it feels to love when you’re dead inside?

If you see me curling between the rains
like a fist clenched tightly around the pain
I can wait like this for a thousand days
I will spring to life when you call my name
I’m a rose of Jericho

There’s a story going around that I’m a dried up piece
of old debris, brittle as a winter tumbleweed
Just a drop to quench my thirst
I’ll stretch my arms across the earth
and white blooms rise from the fallow dirt

Be my wind and rain
when I find my way back into your bed
Let’s not resurrect all the time we lost
or the words unsaid

If you see me curling between the rains
like a fist clenched tightly around the pain
I can wait like this for a thousand days
I will spring to life when you call my name
I’m a rose of Jericho
I’m a rose of Jericho
I’m a rose of Jericho

Credits

Written by Jessica Smucker, copyright 2020
Produced & recorded by Chad Kinsey
Mixed by Peter Rydberg at Studio 1935
Mastered by Dan Coutant at Sun Room Audio

Matt Thomas: synthesizers, electric piano, organ, drum machine
Paul Murr: drums
Mike Bitts: bass
Chad Kinsey: guitar

Photo by Janece Flippo

Lyric video animation by Haley Monson

Dinosaurs (single)

Jessica Smucker (2021)

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Dinosaurs

I always thought the world would end
with blood and bones
but here we are
hunkered down in our home sweet home
I love you more without the crowds
drawing me out
I’ve got everything I need inside this house

Maybe all hope is lost
maybe the dinosaurs
lived for a thousand years
after the meteor
but if the jig is up
if this is all we’ve got
baby, I’m glad I cast my lot with you

Time punches hard
Everything I see is red
Learning to live my life without a future in my head
I love you more since the clocks all stopped
We’ve got everything we need to stay alive
until we’re not

Maybe all hope is lost
maybe the dinosaurs
lived for a thousand years
after the meteor
but if the jig is up
if this is all we’ve got
baby, I’m glad I cast my lot with you

Credits

Music & lyrics by Jessica Smucker
Copyright 2020
Produced by Chad Kinsey and Matt Thomas
Recorded by Chad Kinsey
Mixed by Steve Ward
Mastered by Philip Shaw Bova

synthesizers and organ: Matt Thomas
drums: Paul Murr
bass: Mike Bitts
guitar: Chad Kinsey
backing vocals: Keith Wilson, Megan Woodland Hewitt
photo credit: Matthew Henry

Lucid Stories, Tentative Lies

Jessica Smucker (2020)

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Thunderclouds and Violins

Tell me I don’t have to apologize
for the way the light filters through my eyes.
If you want to dance, let’s take it slow
’cause sad songs are the only ones I know.

All my secrets, all my wishes,
all my passions, all my sins
move across your bluest skies
like thunderclouds and violins.

I’ve been writing songs for the mixed-up few
but I understand if it’s not for you.
I keep holding on to a love-lorn lie
but I see it now: you’d rather dance than cry.

All my secrets, all my wishes,
all my passions, all my sins
move across your bluest skies
like thunderclouds and violins.

I just want to give you something beautiful to listen to
if you need to fall apart
if you need to slow down.

One of my teachers said it best:
if you’re living well, you’re gonna make a mess.

All my secrets, all my wishes,
all my passions, all my sins
move across your bluest skies
like thunderclouds and violins.

The Sea

I have listened for God in the ear of a shell
I have wrestled the tides and argued against the groundswell
bargained with the deep blue, I don’t want to lose you
This is me facing my fear
Even if we drown, I’m happy that I found you here

I’m yours today
Hold me while the sky is full
Tomorrow you will drift away
sure as the moon
shimmers and fades

There is only one way to survive a riptide:
close your eyes and lean back and take the sea for a ride
When I think of dying, there’s an ocean lying
under us, pickled and blue
spread out like a highway, baby you go my way
or I’m coming with you

I’m yours today
Hold me while the sky is full
Tomorrow you will drift away
sure as the moon
shimmers and fades

As I listen for God in the ear of this shell
I don’t know much but I know
that I’ve loved you well

When I Was the Weather

If I could make the sun shine
we could go outside.
You could run and I could hide.
I don’t want to hold you.
I’m too tired to chase you.
I just need a place to cry.

Once I was the weather.
You couldn’t see my eyes.
My voice was like a thunder
rumbling through your skies.
When I was the weather
I knew just what to say.
Now I fumble through my lines
every single day.

You’re my perfect vision,
the sun setting on my clouds.
When I look at you, I know I can be proud.
But there’s no way around this.
There’s no settling of the score.
I am less when you are more.

Once I was the weather
and you could feel my sighs
blowing like a warm wind,
blowing through your skies.
When I was the weather
I didn’t have to pray.
Now I get down on my knees
every single day.

When i was the weather,
you could hear my heart
beating like a downpour,
your music in the dark.
When I was the weather
I always knew my way.
Now I get so lost and found
every single day.

Tumbleweeds

On the way to Arizona
with a suitcase full of nothing
lucid stories, tentative lies
I hope you don’t mind that’s all I’ve got to offer

From the cockpit, the pilot’s smooth voice
A shot of vodka from the waitress’s tray
Hope is beyond me, the world’s below me
From my seat I’m mapping out the landscape

The world is checkered fields and solid, curving lines
The snowy mountains are sublime
I’m glad to live and bleed and sing most of the time
but if this plane would crash
I probably wouldn’t mind

You love me best when I’m on a mission
Can you believe in my bad decisions?
Everyone’s grown up and moved away but
I’m still sitting in my little room
begging you to play with me

We climb the rocks until we’re ten thousand feet tall
move with the panoramic scene
In Arizona there’s no safety net at all
and only canyon’s mouths
will catch you when you fall

This story’s fading
We’re going extinct
We’ve got a few good years
I could survive if I’d stop caring what you think but you are
everpresent as the tumbleweeds
blowing all around me

It’s like a movie screen that never fades to black
the climax reeling in our brains
We ride into the sunset but the sunset hesitates
If you’d ever loved me you’d be singing my refrain

On the way home from Arizona
I close my eyes and try to sleep

Overthrown

Baby, I’m afraid of you
You dance like the spirits do
The way you arc, the way you bend
You could make me feel again

I want music in my mouth
I want you to show me how
There’s a fire in your step
The smell of peaches on your breath
I’m the moonlight overthrown
You’re the hot front from the west
Every time you ask to dance
I say no but I mean yes

They clear the tables off the floor
I want to dance but I’m not sure
how to move and how to be
when the music seizes me

I take a step but I’m too shy
I’m thinking how I want to fly
across the room, out of my head
out of here, into your bed

Maybe there’s an explanation
for this paranoid vibration
The undertow beneath the sea
that’s pulling you away from me.
My instincts have been dispossessed
my cadences on house arrest

Baby, I’m afraid of you
You dance like the spirits do
The way you arc, the way you move
like wind around the darkened moon

Beautiful Sin

It’s 2am and the music stops
There’s no one left but you and me
You throw one back and you move toward the door
but then you turn to look at me
Listen here, I don’t want any protest
I’ll tell you how it’s gonna be
You’ll arrive like a thief in the night
and make sweet love to me
Angel of death, you take me back to where we started from
I hold my breath until you’re naked as the winter sun

Loneliness is a pissed-off kid with two little dolls in his fists
knocking us together ’til we come apart and he’s alone again
You’ve got a way of getting everything you want from me
But lucky for you ’cause that’s exactly how I want it to be.

Oh…

Throw me down on the bed like a sinister map of every place you’ve been
Draw the lines on my skin, irrefutable proof of this our beautiful sin
You’ll be the king and I will bathe upon my roof
But forget the king – I don’t care who you are, if you want the truth

Oh…

Come away to the place where society bends us and the lions feed
Pull me out of the muck and mess of all that I’m supposed to be
You are my Jesus for tonight, I don’t mind telling you so
but when we’re through you better pick up your humanity
off the floor and go

Shut Up

I want to lose you today
pump you with air and watch you blow away
I’m tired of love, I love you too much
but here in this moment, loving you sucks

a drip of the faucet, a steep waterfall
there’s too much too fast or nothing at all

I can’t get through to you
you’re preaching like a prophet
dooming all the fun
screaming like a mad man, pushing ’til you win
the more you’re pushing out, the less you’re letting in
well I have had enough of this
white noise static coming from your lips
why don’t you shut up
and let me love you?

try not to feel what you said
give it a moment, give it a rest
hearing your voice in my head
you keep pulling me in to your beautiful mess

I’ve never been good at walking away
but I deserve more than to love you today

I can’t get through to you
you’re preaching like a prophet
picking at my sins
pointing like a moonbeam raging at the sea
caught up in a wave that’s crashing over me
well, here i am still playing my role
a lonely body and a cluttered soul
it’s time to shut up
and let me love you

here we go again
here we go again…

I have had enough of this
white noise static coming from your lips
why don’t you shut up

Dear John Letter to Jesus

Listen Jesus
I don’t mean to throw your love away
You’re a good guy
You’ve got pretty eyes
and some witty things to say
But I’ve been walking through these streets alone
through quiet nights and silver rains
I put my trust in things like gravity
It has your force without the name

You’ve been true but I need more
than promises of doom
It’s the 21st century, if you keep telling me
how you’ve bled for me, well then you’re just another
bearer of bad news
Your broken body on the shelf for me –
it’s the last thing that I need
when all my friends have left the bar at night
and you are all that still remains

I tried to tell you to go back to heaven where you belong
I tried to stop writing you into every song
They say you’re merciful
Then why don’t you go? Leave me alone
I’m not a bad girl. I’ve just got too much going on

I tried but you just stand there
holding out your hand
The saddest part is I really do think you’d understand

Evidence of Pain

Sit down for awhile now. It’s been a long year.
You’ve met with the fate that you’d been too happy to fear.
Here in the aftermath of bliss, there’s nothing to do
but run ’til you can’t stand up
and live like nothing happened to you.

Open the window
and let in the rain
Rip out the pages
that whisper her name
Run from the echoes
and take all the blame
Try to conceal all the evidence of pain

You keep busy from morning until night to help you forget
and you’re making a list of all the great new people you’ve met.
Each time you walk in the door, she leaves you again –
the drip of the empty sink, the way the house lights bend.

Open the window…

This Broken Moment

Ready or not
now is the time
this is our long-awaited day of jubilee
all is forgiven
all is at rest
the beaches are waiting for the next wave to hit

if I have to drown in this dark sea
I can be brave
I’m not gonna let this broken moment slip away

whatever happens
keep me close
let me love you
as the white crests love the breeze

Credits

All songs written by Jessica Smucker
Copyright 2020
Produced, arranged, and recorded by Chad Kinsey
Mixed by Steve Ward
Mastered by Philip Shaw Bova
Collage Art: Dan Zdilla
Cover: Virtual Farm Creative, Inc.
Photography: David George
Special thanks: Bobby Gentilo, Mike Tarsia, Matt Underhill, James Lipka

Thunderclouds and Violins
drums: Paul Murr
bass: Mike Bitts
Wurlitzer: Steve Sauer
organ: Chad Kinsey

The Sea
drums: Paul Murr
bass: Mike Bitts
guitars: Chad Kinsey
accordion: Trixi Greiner
organ: Matt Thomas
backing vocals: Hadassah Edith

When I Was the Weather
drums: Paul Murr
bass, piano: Mike Bitts
guitars: Chad Kinsey
Wurlitzer, organ: Matt Thomas
additional grand piano: Steve Sauer
backing vocals: Megan Woodland Hewitt
cello: Peter Kibbe

Tumbleweeds
drums: Paul Murr
bass: Mike Bitts
guitars: Chad Kinsey
Wurlitzer, organ, synths: Matt Thomas
backing vocals: Keith Wilson

Overthrown
drums: Paul Murr
bass: Mike Bitts
guitars: Chad Kinsey
piano, keyboards: Matt Thomas, Steve Ward
harmonica: Steve Sauer
backing vocals: Keith Wilson

Beautiful Sin
drums: Paul Murr
bass: Mike Bitts
Wurlitzer: Jessica Smucker
synths: Matt Thomas
additional vocals: Hadassah Edith

Shut Up
drums: Paul Murr
bass: Mike Bitts
guitars: Chad Kinsey
piano, organ, synths: Matt Thomas
backing vocals: Megan Woodland Hewitt, Hadassah Edith

Dear John Letter to Jesus
drums: Paul Murr
bass: Mike Bitts
guitars: Chad Kinsey
Wurlitzer, synths: Matt Thomas
backing vocals: Megan Woodland Hewitt, Hadassah Edith

Evidence of Pain
drums: Paul Murr
bass: Mike Bitts
guitars: Chad Kinsey, Mark Burke
piano: Jessica Smucker, Mike Bitts
piano solo: Steve Ward
organ: Matt Thomas
backing vocals: Keith Wilson
trumpet: Todd Fulginiti
French horn: Anne Nye
trombone: Stephen Shiffer
tuba, euphonium: Michael Banks
horn arrangement: Richard Belcastro

This Broken Moment (New Year Song)
piano: Jessica Smucker
keyboards: Steve Ward
cello: Peter Kibbe

Let’s Get a Tree (single)

Jessica Smucker (2020)

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Let’s Get a Tree

I never thought I’d be halfway through November
dancing with the kids and trying to remember
all the words to Winter Wonderland
but here I am

And it’s okay, ’cause I’m your madonna
I can play any part as long as you remember
I don’t really look like this

Holidays and barbecues and playdates and mamas groups–
all the things I swore off before I met you

Now the bells ring for Christmas and you’re my family
so fuck it, let’s get a tree.

I never thought I’d be living in the suburbs
stressing out over what to make for supper
spending more time wiping mouths than writing songs

But it’s okay – I’m full of surprises
Most days I don’t even mind if no one remembers
I don’t really look like this

Christmas crafts and storytime and crying in the school car line–
all the things I never thought I’d do

Now the bells ring for Christmas and you’re my family
so fuck it, let’s get a tree.

Santa Claus and gingerbread and sugarplums dancing in our heads
Baby Jesus, candy canes, scoring junk in the gift exchange
jingle bells and cookie trays and bingeing through the post malaise
shiny tinsel, silver snow, I wait for you by the mistletoe
and fuck it
let’s get a tree

Credits

music & lyrics by Jessica Smucker, copyright 2020
produced & recorded by Chad Kinsey
mixed & mastered by Steve Ward

Mike Bitts: piano, upright bass, electric bass
Paul Murr: drums, sleigh bells, bells
Matt Thomas: organ, celeste, tubular bells, strings
Chad Kinsey: guitar

cover design by Jessica Smucker
photography by Kai Wenzel

Tumbling After

Jessica Smucker (2014)

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Looking For Spiders

Jack and Jill went looking for water
It wasn’t worth mentioning until they fell
Peter, Peter pumpkin eater
had a wife who let him beat her
It’s a little tale we tell, how he locked her up in a prison cell

You would trade your health and happiness for a story
You would rather be remembered than loved

Little Miss Muffett got bored one day
went looking for spiders to scare her away
The nemesis providing all the action to incite her
story is the poisonous creature that’ll bite her

What makes you interesting? How does your story build?
And what’s your best excuse for being unfulfilled?
And aren’t there enough conundrums in this silly world?

Living on the edge of reason
looking for the sweet spot between silly and sublime
following the rising action, falling hard every time
bending to the strangest arcs, you write yourself into a nursery rhyme

You would trade your home and family for another life
You would rather be a legend than somebody’s wife

Mary, Mary in the corner plot
she planted a garden just to let it all rot
‘cause thistles choke and rabbits run and sunlight blinds her
and everything’s another form of failure that defines her.

What makes you interesting? How does your garden grow?
And what’s your best excuse for being all alone?
And aren’t there enough conundrums in this silly world?

Want You More

I’m a little fly on heaven’s wall
I’ve seen how this ends, I’ve seen it all
Don’t look up, the stars are trying not to fall
Somewhere in the dark you held my hand
I slipped into your heart like sinking sand
All of this was written long before it began

You could be my lover or my death at the turn of a hand

I don’t have the common sense to give you up
even though life was so much easier before you came along
Something in the way you break my heart each day
takes my breath away and I want you more

I don’t want to keep you from your life
I just want to wrap you in the night
pull you to the crooked edge and hold you tight
All the little things we can’t control
I don’t need your body or your soul
I just want to dance with you in this borrowed light

Oh, my lover, oh, my death, it’s always the same

I don’t have the common sense…

Sweet and Broken

Summer is hot but the water is cold
You swim up to me, hold out your shriveled up hands
and say, “I think we’re getting old”
I’m trying to laugh but you’re drifting away
You’re saying, “Cheer up, Angel Face, nobody’s dying today”

There was a time when you were a snowman
melting in the yard before my eyes
the grip of your hands to the wisp of a man
evaporated, drifting out of time

I want to be like the edges of the sea
fold your sweet and broken body into me

There’s a statue of a lady poised above her grave
It says she fell down a crooked staircase on her wedding day
I pass her in the crowded cemetery on my way
to the bar where I’m going to drink away another day

I want to be like the edges of the sea
fold your sweet and broken body into me

I walk around this little city. It’s a trap these days.
Everybody wants to leave but everybody stays.
I hold my hand out to touch the cool breeze
crunch the leaves beneath my shoe
anything to feel alive now that I’ve lost you

I want to be like the edges of the sea…

Autumn was sweat and winter was blood
We thought that we could make it to the spring

The Way Down

If I had only one hour to spend with you
I’d swallow my tongue and take your hand
I’d lead you to the edges of the lake at summer’s end
and break you with the flicker of the wind

I want to give you something real and true
the beauty that grows inside the pain
all the stories that surround us as the sun slips down the sky
and the light begins to disappear again

I want you to test my love against these fading lines
I want you to leave me at the mercy of the night
I want you to break my heart and show me what it’s like to feel
so alive all of the time

If I could show you everything at once
I wouldn’t have to find a place to start
All the sticks and stones and thunderstorms
would crash against your loving arms
and you’d see me and you’d understand my heart

Throwing this stone will cause a ripple
but you know that there’s a little bit of joy that can be found
on the way down

I want you to test my love against these fading lines
I want you to leave me at the mercy of the night
I want you to break my heart and show me what it’s like to feel
so alive all of the time

If I had only one life to spend with you,
I’d never run out of things to say
But the silence doesn’t scare me like it did before you met me
I can fill up all the hours singing love songs to myself
I think too much but I don’t talk. I keep things to myself a lot
It’s crazy but I’m waiting, I’m still waiting for you
to be free to take that walk with me
free…oooh…

Party Like We’re Free

believe it or not I don’t have one complaint
believe it or not I wore my happy face
and I didn’t even have to try

ready or not, this ship has left the dock
we’re cranking the gears, we’ve got our pistols cocked
we’re gonna shoot out every cloud
that tries to rain on our parade

with a little bit of luck and a lot of soul
some sex, some drugs, some rock-n-roll
I’m gonna have some fun tonight
I’m gonna break my blues and blow your mind
hey, what do you know
if you can’t let loose and let it go?
send our troubles out to sea
for one night, hey, let’s party like we’re free

believe it or not, I don’t have much to say
I’ll shut up and dance if you will help me scatter
the ashes of doomsday

with a little bit of luck and a lot of soul
some sex, some drugs, some rock-n-roll
I’m gonna have some fun tonight
I’m gonna break my blues and blow your mind
hey, hey, hey, hey
send our troubles out to sea
for one night, hey, let’s party like we’re free

when the walls are falling in
and lights grow dim
a beautiful delusion may be
the only way to win

la la la la la la la la la la…

Sin-eating Eyes

I’m walking the world today with backwards-facing feet
trying to dance without music or a beat that I can
follow through the wilderness of your love
But are you okay? Will you survive? Am I doing this right?

I’m taking the liberty of cleaning up this awful mess
If anyone’s wrong, I might as well be the one to confess
I’ll take it away, I’ll make it disappear before you realize
what I’ve seen with my sin-eating eyes

I get so nervous when he takes his second drink
The beauty of whiskey is it always makes you think about
the things that seem important in the magic of the night
then you wake up in the aftermath of just another ordinary fight

Give me the stories that you never wanted to tell
I’ll write my name in every scene
Watching you move your mouth, I forget myself
and I don’t know who I am with your words in my head

I’ve had to kill so many women just to be the one I am
And for what? All the truth and the blood on my hands
And now I’m walking towards the light without a bottle or a friend
nothing to fill up the space between me and the bitter amen, amen

I’m taking the liberty of cleaning up this mess I didn’t make
No I don’t need your help, it’s coming way too late
I’ll take it away, I’ll make it disappear before you realize
what I’ve seen with my sin-eating eyes

No Reason

There is no reason for me to love you like I do
You’re a ghost in a novel, you’re the hero
in a story that could never be true
You are a master in the art of letting me down
but I get so lonely I keep hanging around

There is no reason for you to treat me like you do
You’re a stubborn old planet, I’m the moon
orbiting in circles around you
I have been lighting up your nights
you haven’t noticed yet
but I get so lonely I’ll take whatever I can get

Ooh…

There is no reason
There is no reason
If you’re gonna keep disappointing me
I know what I should do
but I get so lonely, I get so blue
I get so lonely I keep falling for you

A Lovely Mess

In the middle of the grand illusion
underneath the bed of stars and haloes
there’s a woman who is real
and she will lure you into a lovely mess
strip you down til there’s nothing left
she’ll ruin you but she might just set you free

She is rain, her eyes of grey
She’ll soak into your skin and help you feel your pain

I’m so tired of the crooked highway
everybody driving nowhere fast
and I’m ready to confess my sins
so take me down to the raging sea
waves are crashing and I’m on my knees
take me down before the secrets dry up in me

She is rain, her eyes of grey
She’ll soak into your skin and help you feel your pain

If I keep ringing this bell I’m gonna wake up the town
I’m gonna wake up. Whether or not you admit
you’ve been promising things
Everybody’s a liar, everybody’s a fool
everybody is looking for a piece of the crystal cane
to make us all happy again

Can you handle all the disappointment?
Are you ready for the last parade?
Do you close your eyes before you pray?
Or do you moan like a fallen beast
washed up here on the frozen beach?
Watch it all disappear before your eyes

Crazy These Days

Dear broken mama, I hope you know
I love you more than words but there are things I should’ve known
You could have shown your pain, you could have told me why
It’s not the worst thing for a girl to see her mother cry

I was ill-prepared for being alive
I never learned the art of when to tell the truth
or how to lie. So I do my work, I shut my door
I try not to love so hard ‘cause everyone
is a little bit crazy these days

Did you think I’d falter if I knew the truth?
And then you would have failed and I’d be scientific proof
I can’t do the math. It doesn’t add up right
how shielding me from darkness would dress you up in light

Mother is tired and broken like the bulb
that’s shattered in a thousand pieces on the floor
Wake up, little girl, don’t be afraid of the dark
You pick it up and then you wait for the scars

When it’s Time to Move On

When it’s time to move on there’s no moon in the sky
the darkness is full of the how and the why
We wrestle our angels, don’t want to be wise
We try to ignore all the obvious signs
but here it comes again

I’ve been embracing the kind of denial
that knows what it is but holds on for awhile
The sooner I know this, the sooner I’ll leave you
but I don’t have the time or the courage to grieve you

here it comes again
oh, the bittersweet end

I look up at the stars, nothing catches my eye
You’re in my heart but you’re not in my sky
When the clouds move in, it’s our final refrain
I know where you’re going after the rain

When it’s time to move on I keep holding my breath
I plug up my ears like I’m practicing death
I hold your hand tighter, I fight for your harder
I’m thirsty and you were my last sip of water

here it comes again
oh, the bittersweet end
here it comes again

I look up at the stars, nothing catches my eye
You’re in my heart but you’re not in my sky
When the clouds move in, it’s our final refrain
I’ll be alone here after the rain

My Newest Moon

In the middle of night when my life is asleep
the easiest questions are the ones I can’t face
like “who do you love?” and “what do you want?”
and what happens if you never decide?

Ooh, but look at the moon
I want to chase it while it’s still full

I’m gonna kick this habit of moving around
Maybe I’ll even settle down
I’m doing my broken best but there’s freedom in loneliness
I never get close enough to care

Ooh, I’m just like the moon
running in circle, never quite full

I want to dance with you, just for a moment or two
then you can go back to what you were doing before you knew
the arc of my shoulder blades, my quickening steps
the color I turn when I’m unsure

You were only the moon
I wanted to chase while it was full

Now in the darkness of my newest moon I’m waiting
for a star to make my way a little clearer
Who do you love? What do you want?
It always comes back to that.

Credits

All songs written by Jessica Smucker
except “Want You More” written by Jessica Smucker and Chad Kinsey
Copyright 2014

Art direction by David George
Cover design by Patrick Kirchner
Cover photo by Mollie Swartz

Looking For Spiders
Jessica Smucker: piano
Mike Bitts: bass, piano
Paul Murr: drums, percussion, vibraphone
Chad Kinsey: electric and acoustic guitar, microkorg
Matt Johnson: electric guitar
Dan Zdilla: electric guitar
*Heather Maloney: backing vocals

*Heather Maloney appears courtesy of Signature Sounds Recordings

Want You More
Mike Bitts: bass
Paul Murr: drums, percussion
Chad Kinsey: electric and acoustic guitar
Bobby Gentilo: piano
Corty Byron: backing vocals

Sweet & Broken
Jessica Smucker: piano
Mike Bitts: bass, synth bass, piano
Paul Murr: drums, percussion
Chad Kinsey: guitar, vibraphone, microkorg
backing vocals: Keith Wilson

The Way Down
Mike Bitts: bass, Wurlitzer, piano
Paul Murr: drums
Chad Kinsey: guitar, microkorg
*Heather Maloney: backing vocals
Trixi Greiner: backing vocals

*Heather Maloney appears courtesy of Signature Sounds Recordings

Party Like We’re Free
Jessica Smucker: piano
Mike Bitts: bass, synth bass, piano, rhythm guitar
Paul Murr: drums, percussion
Chad Kinsey: wah-wah guitar, vibraphone, keyboards
Corty Byron: electric guitar
James Lipka: pedal steel

No Reason
Jessica Smucker: music box piano
Mike Bitts: bass, piano
Paul Murr: drums, percussion
Chad Kinsey: guitar
Trixi Greiner: accordion

Sin Eating Eyes
Mike Bitts: bass, piano
Paul Murr: drums
Chad Kinsey: guitar, vibraphone
Corty Byron: slide guitar

A Lovely Mess
Jessica Smucker: piano
Mike Bitts: bass, piano
Paul Murr: drums, percussion, piano octaves
Chad Kinsey: guitar, microkorg

Crazy These Days
Jessica Smucker: toy piano
Mike Bitts: uke bass, piano
Paul Murr: drums
Chad Kinsey: guitar, microkorg
*Heather Maloney: backing vocals
Dan Zdilla: backing vocals
Mollie Swartz: backing vocals

*Heather Maloney appears courtesy of Signature Sounds Recordings

When It’s Time to Move On
Mike Bitts: bass
Paul Murr: drums
Chad Kinsey: electric and 9-string guitars
Corty Byron: electric guitar
Patrick Kirchner: electric guitar
Leo DiSanto: acoustic guitar
Todd Fulginiti: trumpet, flugelhorn

My Newest Moon
piano: Jessica Smucker

This Broken Moment

Jessica Smucker (2010)

Listen

Rattle My Chain

Whatever the consequence, whatever the cost
let’s chop off my branch of that family tree
Don’t try to save me, I’m already lost
I stood on the side of the road and stuck out my thumb
Oh, baby, I knew you’d come

Do what you want with me and I won’t care
Rattle my chain and take me anywhere
Am I running away or am I going home?
Only the devil knows

Let’s not pretend this is about innocence
or hospitality or common sense
You can hold me down or drag me back to the light
Either way it serves me right

You never promised me freedom
You never promised me love

You can go straight to hell for all I care
Save me a seat, honey, I’ll meet you there
By the fireside we’ll be reconciled
A warm bed for the wayward child

With Us or Against Us

Something is wrong, the body has changed
A heightened security, a false refrain
The language is safe but the subtext is mean
You’re spitting out words across a ticking screen
You’re digging up bones. Your stories are stones
you’re throwing at everyone who crosses you
I do what I can, my head in my hands
I try not to think about the master plan

We’ve gone to heaven to escape the truth
If you’re in hell there’s something wrong with you
Thunder and lightning or a sunny day
You chose your fate and that is where you’ll stay
It doesn’t matter what you think you’ve got to say
You better get on our side or be thrown away

Half of your bed, half of us dead
the newspaper’s wadded up and left unread
You were the poem that followed me home
uprooted my senses, cursed my heart to roam

You never listen to a word I say
This isn’t life, this is a game we play
I start to follow, then you change your name
I start to win and it’s a different game
It doesn’t matter what I’m dealt or how I play
I better get on your side or be thrown away

You were all confidence and rage
a ring of fire on the stage
a barbed wire fence around my mind
I couldn’t take another chance
I kicked a stone, I stole a glance
but I walked single file between the lines

This ship has sailed into the dead of night
You better watch your back and hold on tight
The crooked smiles and the neon stares
The holy bible of infernal affairs
There’s no joy in saying I told you so
Wish I could take back this world and never let it go

Beautiful Sin

Oh…let me run down from your chin like forbidden rain.
We’ve got nothing to lose, and nothing beyond the dead of this night to gain.

Shut Up

I want to lose you today
pump you with air and watch you blow away
I’m tired of love, I love you too much
but here in this moment, loving you sucks

a drip of the faucet, a steep waterfall
there’s too much too fast or nothing at all

I can’t get through to you
you’re preaching like a prophet
dooming all the fun
screaming like a mad man, pushing ’til you win
the more you’re pushing out, the less you’re letting in
I have had enough of this
white noise static coming from your lips
Why don’t you shut up
and let me love you?

Try not to feel what you said
give it a moment, give it a rest

I’ve never been good at walking away
but I deserve more than to love you today

I can’t get through to you
You’re preaching like a prophet
picking at my sins
pointing like a moonbeam raging at the sea
caught up in a wave that’s crashing over me
Here i am still playing my role
a lonely body and a cluttered soul
It’s time to shut up
and let me love you

here we go again
here we go again…

Why don’t you shut up
and let me love you?

Mermaid’s Kiss

I had a mind of my own
I was gonna form clouds with words
and speak rain in tongues on your wedding day
I was gonna be the one to prophecy your mermaid wife
how she’d only step down from the movie screen
long enough for you to take a bite

I wanted more than your bed
I’m a cupid of words like arrows
shooting straight to your head
I was gonna be the one
but there she was with her hair hung down
and the ocean on her back

It all happened so quickly
I’m afraid I missed my cue
or maybe I’m just tired

I probed your mind with my tongue
burned you with chaliced lips
you mistook for a mermaid’s kiss
but I wanted more than your lust
I’m the sepulchral groan of the wind
I could beat your words to dust
Just haven’t bothered for a long time
a long time

I can’t be what you want me to be
fumbling through your brain, riding on the waves of a fool’s mythology
Everything that you can’t have, that’s what you want
You always look to the big screen mermaids
‘cause they can’t run like I can

The ocean won’t underwrite your claims
but there are currents beneath the surface
bowing down to your name
You’re a pocket of sand I’ve swallowed
Parched, my lips run dry
and you’re asleep on the coastline, tanning,
so vain you won’t deny
what I’ve been saying for a long time
a long time

There and Back Again

Sometimes the world just isn’t big enough
I want to squeeze myself out of this womb
If hope is a cut, I am the razor blade
If love is a dirt pile, I am the broom

Follow my own rules, listen to no fool
float like a leaf in the breeze
It doesn’t matter where I lay my head
as long as I can breathe

Putting my quarters into the Wurlitzer
tossing a bottle into the sea
Throwing my voice out into the universe
Hoping someone’s got a message for me
The river of life dried up and left me here
with no one to love and nowhere to go
I pick up a pencil, put it back down again
Only the silence knows what I know

Follow my own rules, listen to no fool
float like a leaf in the breeze
It doesn’t matter where I lay my head
as long as I can breathe

All of these years, the lure of the moon at night
The epic adventure, the freedom to roam
But here by the fire, here where it’s safe and warm
My big disappointment: there’s no place like home

What Matters More Than God

There’s a dent in the ever after
There’s a book like a hurricane
Open it up, it’ll pull you under
sink you in its rain

There’s a man with a broken arrow
There’s a woman with a bitter pill
There’s an angel telling half a story
voices small and still

Oooh…

Hit me now with a stick of dogma
Suck me into a web of sin
Wrath of god and the fire can’t hurt me
but love, love will do me in

Oooh…

I’ve been looking for the ever after
I’ve been driving through the pouring rain
holding on for the next disaster
sad but not insane

Oooh…

Mercy

I see the shadows move across the sky
I see the stars are falling down on you
and I keep hoping maybe you’ll forgive what I’m about to do
You can handle everything just right
but then one day you see your entire life
a magician’s cloth that pulled right out from under you

You mistook me for a lullaby
but I’m a wrecking ball, I’m a thief at night
I’m the empty room that greets you in the morning light
You want to salvage something from this mess
turn our impending doom into a big success
but I’ve got nothing left and baby, I’m content to fail

I’ve been searching for the wrong ends
waging fake wars up in my head
Starve the body just to spite the soul

I’d try harder but the devil’s got his hands on me
He’s all liquored up and getting ready for the feast
If you cook it long enough, it starts to taste a little sweet
Well, he treats me right but he won’t set me free
I had to leave this town
‘cause I’d always let you down

I can feel you moving on from me
see the apple fall from the dying tree
I’m just a yesterday that flickers as you walk away
But forgiveness isn’t novocain
It doesn’t numb the lips or take away the pain
It’s just a thing you say and hope it’ll be true someday

Give me something to hold onto
the grip of hands pulling me in
Give me body, I’ve had enough of soul

I want Jesus to jump off the cross and dance with me
let our hips rewrite the canon, reinvent mercy
He’s the only one who can make me come
but we both know that martyrdom’s the purest form of apathy
I’ll be waiting in your bed
‘til you come back from the dead

Mercy, you’re the gun that hunts me down
Mercy, hands and knees I’m on the ground
Oh, mercy, I’m ready now

Dear John Letter to Jesus

I tried to tell you to go back to heaven where you belong
I tried to stop writing you into every song
They say you’re merciful
Then why don’t you please leave me alone?
I’m not a bad girl. I’ve just got too much going on

I tried but you just stand there
holding out your hand
The saddest part is I really do think you’d understand

Overthrown

Once upon a time when everything was going fine
I threw myself into a mess
I saw you move, I took a risk
You threw your head back in the light
of the moon that fragile night
shook the demons from your hair, inhaled the music with the air
Baby, I’m afraid of you
You dance like the spirits do
The way you arc, the way you bend
You could make me feel again

They clear the tables off the floor
I want to dance but I’m not sure
how to move and how to be
when the music seizes me
I take a step but I’m too shy
I’m thinking how I want to fly
across the room, out of my head
out of here, into your bed

I want music on my lips
To feel the world against your hips
The rhythm’s moving in your step
and there is fire on your breath
I’m the moonlight overthrown
You’re the hot front from the west
Every time you ask to dance
I say no but I mean yes

Maybe there’s an explanation
for this paranoid vibration
The undertow beneath the sea
that’s pulling you away from me.
My instincts have been dispossessed
my cadences on house arrest
The way you arc, the way you move
like wind around the darkened moon

Yes

New Year Song

ready or not
now is the time
this is our long-awaited day of jubilee
all is forgiven
all is at rest
the beaches are waiting for the next wave to hit

if I have to drown in this dark sea
I can be brave
I’m not gonna let this broken moment slip away

whatever happens
keep me close
let me love you
as the white crests love the breeze

The Blues Are Here to Stay

I’m not blind but I wanted to be
to wrap myself inside a dark cocoon, the land of the free
I get so tired of the undertow
of all the things I can’t let go

Oh…there is nothing we can do or say
to make the river flow the opposite way
We’re spending all our time these days just learning how to be okay
Good things will come and go but the blues are here to stay

We’re high and dry, we’re down and out
digging through the trash for something that’s worth singing about
The wild geese are heading south
You and I are living hand to mouth

I’m not blind but it’s painful to see
the odds against us ever being honest, happy and free
So I dance alone in the dark at night
forgive myself when I can’t find the light

So I’ll rip the joy from the mouth of pain
wander through the streets and look for hidden music under everything
I can feel the beat in the pouring rain
I can follow the sound of a passing train

Oh…there is nothing we can do or say
to make the river flow the opposite way
The sooner we accept this life, the sooner we’ll be okay
Good things will come and go but the blues are here to stay
Good things will come and go but the blues are here to stay
Good things will come and go but the blues are here to stay

Credits

Produced by Jessica Smucker and Charlie Burnett
Recorded, mixed, and engineered by Charlie Burnett
Mastered by Pete Barnhart

Cover layout/design by Keith Lehman
Photography by Molly S. Photography

Rattle My Chain
Jessica Smucker: vocals and keys
Erin Gosik: background vocals
Rich Sexton: guitar
Dave Sheaffer: bass
Mike Roy: drums

With Us or Against Us
Jessica Smucker: vocals, keys
Erin Gosik: background vocals
Rich Sexton: guitar
Dave Sheaffer: bass
Mike Roy: drums
Robin Chambers: violin, viola

Beautiful Sin
Jessica Smucker: vocals and keys
Erin Gosik: background vocals
Rich Sexton: guitar
Dave Sheaffer: bass
Mike Roy: drums

Shut Up
Jessica Smucker: vocals, keys
Erin Gosik: background vocals
Rich Sexton: guitar
Dave Sheaffer: bass
Mike Roy: drums

Mermaid’s Kiss
Jessica Smucker: vocals, keys
Erin Gosik: background vocals
Rich Sexton: guitar
Dave Sheaffer: bass
Mike Roy: drums
Robin Chambers: violin, viola

There and Back Again
Jessica Smucker: vocals, keys
Erin Gosik: background vocals
Rich Sexton: guitar
Dave Sheaffer: bass
Mike Roy: drums
Robin Chambers: violin, viola

What Matters More Than God
Jessica Smucker: vocals, keys
Erin Gosik: background vocals
Charlie Burnett: background vocals
Rich Sexton: guitar
Dave Sheaffer: bass
Mike Roy: drums

Mercy
Jessica Smucker: vocals, keys
Erin Gosik: background vocals
Rich Sexton: guitar
Dave Sheaffer: bass
Mike Roy: drums

Dear John Letter to Jesus
Jessica Smucker: vocals, keys
Erin Gosik: background vocals
Rich Sexton: guitar
Dave Sheaffer: bass
Mike Roy: drums
Robin Chambers: violin, viola
Charlie Burnett: double bass

Overthrown
Jessica Smucker: vocals, keys
Erin Gosik: background vocals
Rich Sexton: guitar
Dave Sheaffer: bass
Mike Roy: drums

New Year Song
Jessica Smucker: vocals, keys
Erin Gosik: background vocals
Rich Sexton: guitar
Dave Sheaffer: bass
Mike Roy: drums
Robin Chambers: violin, viola
Charlie Burnett: double bass
Ron Barnett: synthesizer

The Blues Are Here to Stay
Jessica Smucker: vocals, keys
Erin Gosik: background vocals
Jeff Bryson: background vocals
Rich Sexton: guitar
Dave Sheaffer: bass
Mike Roy: drums

Reluctantly Yours

Jessica Smucker (2010)

Listen

Same Time Every Year

It’s been a long time since September
I think it’s never coming back
the final breath before it’s time to say goodbye
the way we look when everything’s about to change

I’ve been filling my pockets with sand
trying to find a way to hold onto your hand from far away
The moment of decision has come and gone
I think I’ll stay right here. Sometimes you get too tired for moving on

I was restless in September
I was never coming back
The heat was sweltering, the sunset smelled like sweat
The leaves, they danced for their reward like Salome

Catch me if you can, I’m on my way, I said
The seasons change and I can’t stay here anymore
Am I led by love or chased by sin
How will I know which heart to heed when I know that I can’t win?

Do you think of me in September?
Do you think I’m never coming back?
Do you hold your breath when the harvest comes around?
Do you cry each time the sunset smears the sky?

I was flying with the birds, into the wind
migrating south
but I could not keep the pace
‘cause we pack up our belongings
at the same time every year–
that little nudge of autumn when the leaves
make up their minds

Sweet and Broken

There was a time when you were a snowman
melting in the yard before my eyes
the grip of your hands to the wisp of a man
evaporated, drifting out of time

I want to be like the edges of the sea
fold your sweet and broken body into me

I want to be like the edges of the sea…

Autumn was sweat and winter was blood
We thought that we could make it to the spring

No One But Myself

Everybody wants a piece of me
and you know me, I try to oblige
but listen up, the party’s over now.
I’m not giving in this time.

What started as a yes became a hard, resounding no
I stood up to those fools and told them all where they can go
I thought I could be everything to everybody else
but now I know there ain’t no pleasing no one but myself

Being nice won’t get a girl anywhere
but it’s always been my way
If you come back later you might wear me down
but it’s not happening today

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no…

Yeah, now I know there ain’t no pleasing no one but myself

Reluctantly Yours

Love is the price we pay for our sins
The game isn’t fun to play and nobody wins
Someone gets bored, and everybody body gets scared
The jury is rising, the verdict’s in. It’s why the hell should we care?

If all the signs are saying run like hell
then what are you still doing standing there?
I’m not a woman, I’m a warning bell
a doomsday siren blowing through the air

This isn’t real love. It’s only a dare
Fumbling my way to you
to see if I can have an ordinary love affair

If I can love you I might live again
It’s simple way of challenging the odds
But hold on, let me catch my breath again
‘cause I can’t outrun the vengeance of the gods

Miracles can happen, sure
but you’re not dumb
You’re not on your hands and knees
You’re putting on your coat and getting ready to run
Well, don’t be alarmed but I’m blocking the door
I’m cynical and sad but still
reluctantly yours

Every time I put my hands on you
it’s like I’m lost and running in the rain
but if I never find my way again
well, I’d have to be a fool to complain